Relationships are like Onions: How to Deepen Bonds

Reposted from:  http://www.commit-to-love.com/relationships-are-like-onions-how-to-deepen-bonds/

How we relate to our partners can be like onions. The more you explore, the more it stinks the eyes and yet the more aromatic it becomes as you let it simmer. Just like onions, and whether you accept this or not, we unveil ourselves in layers.

Why do we have layers in the first place?

Admittedly, we have predisposed beliefs. We have a fear of rejection and the need to be loved. As we grew, we have learned that people close to us act in certain ways and we learned to react that favors our safety and escape from the hurt. These learned or conditioned behaviours were confirmed through experience out from our subjective interpretation. We think that our behaviours have worked for us (not necessarily effective, but still works according to our experience). Through constant confirmation these beliefs crystallize. How we react emotionally is based from our interpretation to certain behavioral triggers. Permeating and softening crystals take time before changing – a new behavior takes places. Ambivalence and fears (usually imagined) are what holds us back to move forward and deepen our relationships with other people.

In my previous post Stages of Committed Relationships I mentioned how these relationships progress. In this post, hopefully, this will guide you how to work through the Reality Stage and conquer Challenges in Committed Relationships.

1. Understand your wants and needs.
Wanting is preference. Needs are what are necessary to help the relationship grow. However, there are times when we act emotionally reactive towards specific situations. These reactions are masks of our previous wounds or learned fears that became irrational beliefs. We become needy by expressing our reactivity. Both wants and needs contribute to the progress of relationships. We need to examine closely and understand what these are and find ways that work for both parties.

2. Be conscious with how you communicate.
Words come in different forms. We hear silence, pitch and tones. We see distance, facial expressions and body language. Our words could be insightful, encouraging, or offensive. How our voice mellows or raises stresses the words we say and how we act through distance and body language maintains the position we feel at a moment. Being aware of how we communicate and it’s impact towards partners would help in becoming better companions and lovers. Choosing to adopt to a new behaviour for a becoming a better person and partner usually is the best option.

3. I-You, We.
The I-YOU position means our individuality. The WE in the committed couple is the shared psyche that makes them go together.

They have shared beliefs, shared value system, similarities or traits that when combined together makes a perfect blend. Relationships are successful when the couple learn how to work with the I-YOU and WE space. It wouldn’t be all too sweet. It could be rough for one party may invite or demand to go to one’s liking. Respect for individuality, sincere giving in and compromise are the common ways taken.

Remember we are like onions. Keep it to low heat. We unveil ourselves gradually and the core is soft. Support each other. Avoid toasting or burning. Keep relationships golden.